‘Tell Me What’s Going On’: Building Trust in 30 Seconds

I’ve been working with a shelter in Missouri that is deeply committed to lifesaving. But like many organizations, they were experiencing frustration in their interactions with the public.  

Staff felt overwhelmed and often like they were having the same difficult conversations over and over again. When we slowed down and looked at those interactions more closely, we saw that many conversations started with limitations, capacity, policies, and what couldn’t be done: “We’re full right now.” “We’re not taking surrenders at this time.” “Have you tried asking friends or family?”

These initial interactions were making people feel judged and stonewalled right from the start, even when that wasn’t the intention. So, we made a small but intentional shift: focus on a new way of communicating during these first 30 seconds.

Instead of leading with “we’re full” or “we can’t,” staff were encouraged to start with something else: “Tell me what’s going on.” 

We’re still early in this work, but the shift is already noticeable.  

Conversations are changing because staff are starting to pause before they react, giving themselves time to actually engage with the person in front of them. 

And the shelter is finding they have more opportunities to solve problems instead of just trying to move through the interaction quickly.  

People don’t experience our policies, they experience us. And when someone feels judged, questioned, or dismissed, they don’t feel supported, and don’t trust us to help.  

They don’t ask for help, they don’t come back, they don’t get support when they need it, and they don’t become the adopters or fosters we say we need.

But if someone feels heard even if the answer is hard, they’re more likely to work with you — to engage in this moment, and going forward.

That moment doesn’t just affect the dog or cat they’re telling us about right now. It affects whether that person ever reaches out again.  

It affects whether they tell others to trust you. It affects whether your shelter is seen as adversarial or collaborative.

That’s the ripple. And the ripple starts with one assumption or one pause.

Imagine if the conversation started like this: “Hey, I’m really glad you reached out; can you tell me a little about what’s going on?”

From there, we can actually use the tools we have for problem-solving — resources, foster support, behavior guidance, or even just helping an overwhelmed person think through possible next steps.

Same situation. Completely different outcome.

One shuts the door. The other opens a path forward.

This isn’t about lowering standards or ignoring real concerns. It’s about being intentional in how we show up, especially in the moments that matter most.

Because trust with our community is built on how we show up in real conversations with people. I like the approach Brené Brown describes in the video This Is How To Earn Trust of building trust through one small action at a time.

Here is a simple way to begin: Start with curiosity. When someone comes to you, before explaining policies or limitations, ask one open question: “Can you tell me a little about what’s going on?”

Listen for understanding, not just response. People can feel the difference,  and it will have ripple effects for a long time to come.

Here’s a powerful example of what that looks like in the real world. It's something that might sound like it was crafted by a fiction writer, but it really happened at the shelter I’m working with in Missouri that I mentioned at the start of this blog.

Someone recently called to surrender their 9-year-old dog. They were traveling a lot and struggling with the expense of boarding.  

J., the person who told me this story, said her first instinct was to respond in exactly as you might imagine: telling these people they were doing the wrong thing; they should feel guilty for even considering taking away the only home this dog had likely ever known for such a selfish reason.  

This response might have felt right in the moment. It also likely would have led to the dog still being given up, by people who’d do their best never to engage with the shelter again.  

“A simple pause to allow my heart to catch up with my brain so they can both work together gave me the opportunity to think of a better way to handle this situation,” J. told me.  

With that moment to reflect, here’s what J. said instead: "How lucky and awesome it is that you guys get to travel so often. That is something I’ve always wanted to do someday and my dream is to have a dog who can go with me! Have you guys ever thought of taking your dog with you when you travel?"

The family responded that they had never considered this option. But it sounded like a good one. They appreciated the idea.

And they kept the dog.