Facing Pet Loss Through the Holidays: A Gentle Guide

The holiday season can be magical with festive music, decor, and tradition. But for people grieving the loss of a pet, it can feel anything but merry.

Whether a pet passed away recently or long ago, remaining cheerful during the holidays can be a struggle that does not necessarily get easier over time, even with helpful support and care. We frequently experience the stress of numerous social activities and are constantly immersed among holiday-themed entertainment while still deeply grieving.

How do we face the holidays when we are struggling with our personal blues of missing our pets? This gentle guide will help offer some peace and comfort for handling the holiday season while experiencing pet loss.

The first and most important thing you can do before any holiday prep is to sit down and practice some deep breathing to soothe your heart and mind.

Taking two to three relaxed breaths at a time (inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, and exhale for 4 seconds) will help you become more centered and focused, especially if you coordinate these breaths with meaningful words (peace, love, comfort, your pet’s name).

This is also a beneficial time to ask yourself some important questions about how comfortable you feel about facing different holiday activities this year.

Some questions include:

• Which holiday events or traditions would I like to participate in (or miss) this year? How comfortable would I be attending?
• How have my family and friends reacted to my loss? Have they offered support? Do they understand how painful this loss has been for me?
• Would we be able to change or adjust plans (time/date)?
• How can I take care of myself if the holiday season gets difficult? (Resources for support groups and counseling are helpful to have on hand.)

Going over this information ahead of time can help you set up a plan for any difficult situations and unexpected emotional moments, and it can inform how you want to honor your pet throughout the season.

It’s important for you to take care of your tender grieving heart during this time of year, especially as you face unique struggles while decorating, shopping, or at a family event.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, it’s OK to stop what you’re doing, leave early, or just say no to any event or activity. Give yourself permission to do what is best for you, regardless of others’ expectations.

Take care of yourself and your emotional needs first. Saying “Thank you — I appreciate our friendship and the invitation but not right now” to an activity is not selfish; it will decrease further anxiety. You never have to apologize for any changes related to grieving your loved one.

There’s no question that it can be difficult to express your bereaved emotions with family and friends, particularly if they aren’t as compassionate or might say the wrong thing. Nothing is more painful than hearing people you love not understanding your deep agony from losing your pet.

If you decide to attend an event:

• Ask a loving friend or family member to come with you or be “on call” for support. Set up a backup plan if you think you might leave early, such as letting the host know in advance that you might leave so you don’t feel guilty if you do decide to depart before the event is over.
• Consider briefly attending an event virtually if possible (even a family dinner). Or delay your holiday celebration to a less stressful time of year (like early January) if this is best for you.
• Let others know ahead of time whether it’s OK to talk about your sweet pet, especially if it will bring you peace to share stories with others. But if you don’t feel comfortable sharing, let others know this, too.
• Place a special token of your pet in your pocket for support (heart stone, toy, picture).

If you decide not to attend:

• Write the host a thoughtful note expressing your thanks at being invited and reason for declining the invitation. By proactively and politely declining, you might feel less pressured if people continue to ask you to attend.
• Have a supportive friend or family member with you for any difficult conversations (or for consoling afterward) and even to walk away with if the conversation becomes too difficult or intense.

If you have loved ones who are also missing your beloved pet, communicating and celebrating together can help everyone feel supported. Find a time to sit down and discuss plans.

Some ideas include:

• Have a special memorial breakfast or dinner to toast your pet and share stories.
• Do activities like lighting candles, singing songs, reading poems, writing letters, or drawing pictures to honor your pet. These are great activities to do with kids.
• Take a trip for the holidays — the change of scenery can be refreshing to your souls.
• If you have a special place in mind for spreading your beloved pet’s ashes, take a day trip (or longer) during the holiday season to share this precious memory. You can also go on a nature walk for your best friend.
• Volunteer together at a local animal shelter or foster a homeless pet to honor your best friend. Some shelters offer a “doggy day out” or a “cat day in” where you can foster for just the day.

Know that it’s OK to change holiday traditions. If it’s too difficult to decorate your tree (or look at your pet’s personal ornaments), setting them aside is understandable. If you don’t like the idea of shopping, stay home and purchase gifts or gift cards online. And cooking? You can always pick up a pre-made family meal at a restaurant.

You can also honor your pet’s memory with these ideas, which you can turn into special holiday traditions:

• Host a special holiday dinner or candlelight memorial to celebrate your pet’s wonderful life.
• Creating a special memorial tree (with all their personalized ornaments) is lovely, especially if you have your pet’s photo, LED candles, and toys surrounding it.
• Make a new personalized ornament, holiday decoration, or a memory tree.
• Engage in a personal night of special holiday songs or movies in honor of your pet — relaxing and being in the presence of their love can be soothing for your soul.

Finding out that your beloved pet has a life-changing diagnosis or is declining in health is devastating, especially during the holidays. You’ll likely have thoughts of anticipatory grief and want your pet to have the most special holiday imaginable.

Focusing on quality time is the most valuable plan of all — whether you do a special holiday bucket list, take a road trip, or simply cuddle together watching movies. Please be reassured that you can push other holiday events aside and always reach out for support (your veterinarian, a support group, or trusted friends). You can find more resources on coping with pet loss here.

You can also make a personalized paw print or nose ornament. It is never too early to make a clay print of your pet — sometimes the messiest display of a crooked paw print holds the funniest memories.

Maintaining self-care of deep breathing, relaxing walks, soothing music, reading, and other comforting activities is key to healing your soul. Take time to breathe, to grieve, and to remember that you are never alone.

Please be gentle to yourself right now. You have nothing to apologize for if you need time alone away from your family and friends, even during the holidays. Offer yourself grace and self-compassion; you are so loved by your pets and have done absolutely everything to help them feel cherished and not be in pain.

Keep breathing, walking forward, and getting through every hour in your mourning. Our pets are always with us in our hearts and memories, and they’re soulfully by our sides through all we do. You are so loved.

Best Friends Animal Society also offers ways to memorialize beloved pets. We hope sharing happy memories brings you joy during this difficult time.

By Anna McClain